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Spoiler alert: 2014 the year in review

Randy Blaser
Randy Blaser

At this time of year, many news organizations are reviewing the top stories of 2013, but I’m always looking forward, so here are my predictions for the top news events of 2014:

• On the national scene, Tea Party Republicans threaten to shut down the government again for no particular reason. Seizing the opening, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announces Senate Democrats will only negotiate after the 22nd Amendment is repealed.

• In the wake of 2013‘s Obamacare fiasco, President Obama looks for a way to take charge and make some more speeches, which he finally realizes he’s pretty good at. Obama announces he will seek re-re-election under the motto: “If you like your Democracy, you can keep it. Period. Exclamation point.”

• Congress continues to debate immigration reform and argues over two competing proposals. The first proposal would grant amnesty to any illegal immigrants now in the country but not let any more in until the next amnesty in 2020. The second proposal would not let in any more immigrants into the country until the next amnesty in 2020, but grant amnesty to all illegals in the country now. Congress will be bitterly divided over the two proposals and will not reach an agreement.

• Realizing that Obamacare needs to be fixed, Congress passes the Even More Affordable Health Care Act. Nancy Pelosi argues Congress has to pass the bill in order to pass it. Meantime, every American who has health insurance loses it, and those who don’t have health insurance at all pay all the money they have to get it.

• On the international scene, Queen Elizabeth finally abdicates the throne to allow her son to become king. Charles says he’ll get to it after season 4 of Downton Abbey.

• In order to be more in touch with the people, Pope Francis reveals he is a fan of the reality show “Duck Dynasty” and especially likes Uncle Si. He also enjoys “Swamp People,” and “X-Factor.” His favorite song is “Everybody I Love You,” by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. Late one night, he opens the doors to the Vatican and whispers: “No women priests and no married priests.”

• The Syrian civil war continues unabated with thousands being killed, but everyone is OK with it because chemical weapons aren’t being used to kill them.

• In entertainment news, Miley Cyrus performs nude while smoking pot and wonders, “What else do I have to do to get attention around here?”

• After finishing the third film of the book “The Hobbit,” director Peter Jackson decides to make a 1,000 movie series based on James Joyce’s ”Ulysses.”

• On the show “Dancing with the Stars,” Jay Cutler throws an interception on his first dance, gets way behind and then brings himself back for the win with a Robbie Gould field goal.

• Which brings us to the sports world, where Cub fans are delirious over the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field, until realizing the Friendly Confines has never seen this thing called a World Series championship.

• At the Russian Olympics, Vladimir Putin changes the Olympic rules to allow the Blackhawks to compete in ice hockey. Naturally, the Hawks win Olympic gold, and then go on to win another Stanley Cup.

• On the South Side, the White Sox sign another Cuban ballplayer, ironically named Ricky Ricardo. His crazy wife, Lucy, spends all season trying to sneak into the show.

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