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Paul Sassone: Endless winter leaves us SAD

<p>Paul Sassone</p>

Paul Sassone

Are you SAD?

Not “sad.’’

SAD.

SAD is Seasonal Affective Disorder, which afflicts people in the winter.

Experts say SAD is caused by less sunlight in winter, in turn causing brains to produce too much of the hormone melatonin.

But you and I, we know better.

What causes Seasonal Affective Disorder is the temperature that never rises above 20 degrees day after day, after day. It’s the snow that falls every other day. And it’s not just an inch or two, as TV weatherpersons predict. No, it’s always five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 inches of snow, all the time, dayafterdayafterdayafterday...

This, this is what produces those SAD symptoms in us:

Depression, irritability, hopelessness, anxiety, loss of energy, social withdrawal, oversleeping, loss of interest in activities, appetite changes, weight gain and the inability to concentrate.

OK, it’s true that I possess about nine of these symptoms all year around. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have SAD.

How about you?

I also notice I have another SAD symptom.

I’ve started paying attention to television commercials.

Usually I just shut off my brain during commercials. But I’ve started noticing and following the narrative.

Just the other night I saw a commercial for adult undergarments. And as I listened to the lady talk, I asked myself — Yes, it would be terrible to order undergarments and have the delivery man come to your door and shout, “Incontinence man! I’ve got a package for you!’’

Much better to work with a Personal Incontinence Advisor to arrange for delivery silently and in an unmarked package. Then I started wondering what colleges and universities offered majors in personal incontinence advising? How well does the job pay? What are the opportunities for advancement?

And maybe those pizzas made out of biscuit dough don’t taste vile.

And of course I want to move my TV from room to room. Who wouldn’t?

And how come everyone got a new Lexus for Christmas except me?

Those drug commercials sure have me convinced. I’d like to take all the drugs mentioned. The government forces them to mention those rare side effects like death, blindness, stroke and the like.

Maybe one of those drugs will cure me of SAD.

Oops, gotta go. It’s almost time to watch “Bridezillas.’’ It usually has some really informative commercials.

Has it stopped snowing?

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